i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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