Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
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He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
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Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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