my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
