My hand turned me down
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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