I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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