I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
