its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
