the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
