you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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