dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
