remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
