You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
