Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
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You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
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party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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