Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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