I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
