shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
