i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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