my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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