My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
