i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Randomize
