I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
im holly from the hills drunk
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
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Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
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In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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