The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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