I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
