i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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