I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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