I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
