He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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