well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
