Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
