if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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