just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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