Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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