Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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