Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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