I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
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