i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Blood and glitter go together right?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
