When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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