Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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