I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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