i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
