I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
