So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
