I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
