And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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