Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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