you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
even my farts smell like vagina
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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