We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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