I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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