Cold hands, warm shart.
and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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