just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
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trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
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Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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