i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Randomize
