My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
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I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
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I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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