I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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