apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
