I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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