So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
