Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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