Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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