Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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