I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
