I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
