I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
