so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
