i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
