His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
