i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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