i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
