Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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