Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
